‘Learning By (Doing ) It’ is an anonymous, open-ended space that gives room for humane stories, diverse experiences and honest voices on the topic of sex.

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Can Sex Give Validation?

I don’t have one experience in particular, but rather many experiences of having sex with a lot of people. I was young (late teens), just about grew into my body and realized that people found me attractive. I never had a boyfriend in high school, or a first proper love, and I felt like I was missing out on something so I went looking for “love” from anyone and everyone. I was having sex to get validation and attention. My pleasure and enjoyment was secondary. I was really just craving love and I was ashamed of my ways of finding it, but I knew no better.

Over time, I realized that using sex as validation is a very sad and destructive thing, because it simply does not work that way. I now have sex for the pure pleasure, intimacy and enjoyment of it. I’ve had different kinds of relationships and loves, and it has taught me that sex can be, but does not have to be about love. Sex is what you make of it, it is different for every person, it is exciting and beautiful and something to explore, but you can’t go looking for love through it, just like you can’t expect it to fix your insecurities. You have to have a good understanding of yourself before you can fully have great sex. And you should never feel ashamed for having it.

written: Mar 1 2023

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